i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
