I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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