shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
