we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
