my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
