there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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