Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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