At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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