she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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