Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
