im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
