theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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