i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
