my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
