What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
