Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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