Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Randomize
