I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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