I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
