My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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