we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
