Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Did I show you my penis last night?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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