Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
