3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
