Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This house was built for laser tag.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
