foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just blew my weed a kiss
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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