the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
