Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
