did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
