Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
