just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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