This is not my ceiling
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
