have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
