It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
