Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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