i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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