I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
