im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
