The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
