Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
