sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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