Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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