he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
