I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
