A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
