I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
