By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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