I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
