omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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