I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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