I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
